If I see one more bald man trying to fake the funk like he has hair I am going to choke him! DUDES if you have little to no hair on the top of your head and you really think growing the little bit you have around the perimeter & combing it forward, or swooping it over the top of your dome and to the side, is fooling anyone you are sadly mistaken!

And just so you know, EVERYONE laughs at you. Sure you might be a great guy, but no one can get past the fact that you are telling a lie with your hair.

So for the love of Pete just STOP. Have some self respect and dignity. Either cut the hair you do have short or just shave it all off. But that comb over shit is for the birds. Literally...it looks like a birds nest. So stop telling hair lies and be honest with yourself and the world. Its okay to be bald. Really.

So lately I have been eating that Kashi cereal. Their slogan is "Seven whole grains on a mission". I couldn't figure out what their mission was from the ads. But after eating it for a couple of weeks I now know what their mission is. Kashi's seven whole grains mission is to get me to deposit my entire colon into the toilet. I have come close, but Kashi has yet to win this game. The bastards should really put a warning label on their boxes stating that their food makes you shit your brains out.

I've got your number Kashi and that number is 2!

"Internet head" is a term I coined a few years back for people that have skinny faces/heads and fat bodies. They post pictures on the internet of themselves, but only from the neck up.

What is up with that? How is it possible to have a big ol' body and a thin head?

Am I the only one that wonders what happens to your pubes when you get really old? I wonder if your pubies just kind of fall out and you revert back to your childlike crotch. Kind of like how when you get really old you lose your teeth and start wearing diapers again.

I also wonder if you get grey hair on your head, do your pubes turn grey as well?

It isn't just pubes. Please don't think I sit around thinking of old-timers genitals all day. I also wonder if your leg & pit hair stops growing, or do you have to continue to shave until you are too feebed out?

Things That Smell Good
Fruit (except for bananas & peaches)
My Kids (usually)
My Husband (usually)
People Getting Hit In The Nuts or Falling Down
Sleeping
TV
Making Fun Of And Judging Others
Watching Drunk People Dance
George Carlin
Dave Chappelle
Ali G/Borat/Bruno
Sarah Silverman
Jim Gaffigan
Mitch Hedberg may he R.I.P.
Dingoes Stealing Babies

Dog Farts
Queefs
Stank Farts
Any Farts
Religious Zealots
Racism
Homophobia
Sweating
Weather (be it too hot, too cold, too windy, too rainy, etc.)
Close Talkers
People With Bad Breath
People That "Playfully" Hit You To Emphasize Something...Those Fuckers!
Organ Meats
People That Smoke Right Outside of Buildings
People That Offer Advice When It Isn't Asked For
Peaches~ they creep me out with their fuzzy skin. Although they do taste fantastic with out it
Emeril Lagasse~ I want to kick that annoying, dirty looking, fuckwad in his throat. Something about him just sickens me and angers me all at once.

Dear tissue makers of the world,

It is time to come up with some new products. Yes, the regular old tissues are okay. And sure, the ones with lotions and potions in them are dandy. But what say you make a tissue shaped like a nose?! Because every time I blow my nose when I have a cold I end up getting some snot between my nose and my upper lip. This is quite nasty and not at all lady like. So I was thinking you could invent a tissue that cups under the ol' schnozzonla and prevents the snot seepage that is not becoming of a lady (or any human for that matter). Okay yes it is technically my invention, but I don't have a patent on it, so feel free to run with this idea! Take it straight to the bank.

And while your at it can you PLEASE team up with clothing designers and make shirts, sweaters and jackets with tissue arms for youngsters? Because if I see a kid wipe his/her snotty nose on his/her sleeve one more time I am going to douse the nasty little bastard in Lysol, which I am pretty sure is toxic. I will leave this in your trusted hands tissue makers of the world.

Sincerely,
Snotty McMucus

I wonder what would happen if an actor was on an airplane talking to a friend telling him/her, "I'm going to shoot a pilot today."?

Have you ever looked over at your spouse or significant other and had an overwhelming urge to bite them really, really hard? Not because you want to hurt them, but "just because".